Loki's Not-So-Glorious Purpose
by Quantumphysica
Summary: It's never a good idea to prank the sister of Heimdall... Loki finds himself on earth, burdened with a quest that is all but glorious: he has to teach Medieval History to a class of mortals, and only if they all pass he is allowed back in Asgard. (Alternative Way of Learning History... trust me, it works xD)
1. The Great Migration Period

It all started when a young woman, desperate for help, raised her head to the sky and screamed at anyone who would listen. She had tried everything, everything in her power, but for some reason what she intended to reach remained out of reach and she was sick of it.

"TO ANYONE, ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN!"

She declared, with a voluminous voice –she had always been a rather loud person…

"I need help. I seriously need help because I'm not making this on my own. My history teacher SUCKS, you know? I need to pass this exam more than anything or my life is SCREWED! And as I said I'm SO not making it on my own! SO PLEASE I NEED HELP! ANYONE LISTENING UP THERE? ANYONE!?"

And just as the woman gave up, her voice hoarse from all the pointless screaming, something highly unlikely fell facedown from the sky.

The woman stared at the moaning figure of a tall, black-haired man in a rather bizarre costume, wearing a possibly even more bizarre helmet. He crawled up, looked around, ignored her completely, and raised his fist at the sky.

"I HATE YOU HEIMDALL! YOU HEAR ME? I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOUR SISTER REMAINS BALD FOREVER!"

When it was clear the sky was not answering, the man turned at the woman, giving her a look that would have made a less desperate being run away in fear. He scowled.

"So, what 'quest' do you have for the great Loki of Asgard, mortal?"

Well. Of all things that could have happened… The woman knew she should be scared to death, but then she was already scared to death of failing her exam so this bizarrely costumed man couldn't make it much worse.

"Err… Replace my history teacher?"

"What?!"

"He sucks, and I need a teacher that can actually give medieval history in a way that I will pass the exam."

Again the man looked up at the sky.

"SERIOUSLY HEIMDALL, NEXT TIME IT'S YOUR HAIR I'LL CUT!"

The woman cocked her head to the side.

"Who is Heimdall?"

Loki sent her a glare.

"Someone whose nose I will break as soon as I get the chance."

The woman couldn't help but giggle.

"What did you do?"

"None of your business, mortal."

"You're here now, so it's my business."

Loki scowled again.

"Fine. I cut his sister's hair while she was sleeping. He didn't like it."

"Ooh, protective brother mode. Yeah, I see where that went wrong. So… You got sent here to do what exactly?"

"Fulfil the quest you have for me. Only then I will be able to return."

"So… you're my new history teacher?"

"Shut up mortal."

"It's Cathy."

"I call you whatever I want."

This was going to be such a fun course…

_(Pagebreak)_

The door of the class flew open, and the headmistress entered, with behind her… Loki. The god –Cathy had figured that's what he was- looked as if he wanted to gut someone, while he ducked to get his helmet through the door. The headmistress cheerily announced.

"Good morning class! I have sad news for you all, it seems that your history teacher Mr De Jongh has mysteriously disappeared overnight. As I am informed, he has fled the premises because someone threatened to sew his mouth shut if he ever tried to teach again. Well, good for you I also can introduce your replacement teacher Mr… what was it again?"

"Loki. Just Loki is fine."

"Well then, I'm going to leave you to your classes! Have fun!"

The whole class just sat there with their mouth's open. As the door closed and the headmistress skipped away, sickly cheerful, Loki pointed his glare at the class and said in the most authoritarian voice he could muster.

"Good. As your leader has announced, I am Loki, your new history teacher. Any remarks on my attire will result in having your mouth sewn shut. Any remarks on my style of teaching will result in heavy corporal punishment. I have as much desire to teach this class, as you have to follow it. I don't like any of you pathetic mortals. But I will teach this class, and no one will fail this class under my lead. Understood?"

Totally dumbstruck and slightly frightened, the class nodded. Cathy started to wonder what disaster she had caused…

"Well, good to have that settled. Now. Take your papers, we're going to discuss the Early Medieval Age. I don't give a Bigesnipe's shit about what my predecessor has told you, he has probably no idea anyway, so we just start at the beginning."

**Early Medieval Age: The Great Migration Period**

"This stuff starts in the fifth century AD. The Roman Empire had split into an east and a west part, and the west part was declining. You want to know why? Immigration politics."

Loki looked very smug about it.

"The border of the Roman Empire –let's assume that when I say Roman Empire I mean the West part for now- was formed by two rivers, the Rhine and the Danube. On one side you had the Romans, with their togas and emperors and Christianity, and on the other side you had the barbarians with their uncouth language and lack of manners and horned helmets, yes?"

Everyone nodded.

"Well, unfortunately it's not at all true. By the time we're speaking, fifth century, Germanic tribes had already made their way deep into Roman politics. This empire business is very high maintenance, and so the Roman's needed soldiers to keep their borders protected. And well, what's better fit for an army than a fight-eager barbarian? You see, they filled their border-protection with the "enemy" they were actually trying to keep out. Paradoxical, no?"

Loki was smirking now, feeling oddly at ease in front of the class it seemed.

"Now, they had let Germanic tribes make a living in the Roman Empire, giving them the status of '_foederati_". This meant something like 'ally". They could own and work the land, like any Roman citizen could. The barbarians didn't want to destroy the Roman culture. They would rather assimilate it. Therefore, by the time we're talking, again, Germanic tribes in and outside of the Roman Empire had taken over quite a lot of Roman customs already. The border protection depended on barbarians, for large parts of the Empire agriculture depended on them as well, and as a cherry on top there also was a pretty lively trade circuit between the Romans and the Germanic tribes. You can ask… where did it all go wrong?"

Loki bent to them, as if he was going to share a secret.

"This was a pretty functional 'multicultural' society, don't you think? What happened?"

He gestured to the blackboard, and out of nothing a chalk drawing of a fearsome looking Asian man appeared.

"THIS type happened. Atilla The Hun, quite the fearsome bloke. I've known him; he was a lot smarter than he looked. He, and with him a whole army of agile, cruel and merciless warriors, went on a quest to conquer all of Asia and Europe."

Unexpectedly, a text balloon appeared next to Atilla, stating 'ALL YOUR LANDS ARE BELONG TO ME!'

"So, this gave rise to a phenomenon you know as war refugees, but they called it The Great Migration Period. Whole tribes gathered all their stuff; wives and kids included, and went on the run for the evil Huns. That was the smartest thing to do really, because the Huns did no funny business when at war. Well, I thought it was funny, but I can imagine it wasn't if you were to become the sex slave of some overly hairy Hun. Back to the point, Huns are invading, people are on the run. In East Europe you had the Goths, and those were the first to take a run for their money. At least, about half of them did. The Visigoths went running and the Ostrogoths got enslaved by the Huns. They had nothing to do with your bizarre emo cult, but I can imagine the Ostrogoths felt pretty emo under the rule of those hairy Asians."

This caused chuckling in the class.

"Silence, I'm not done! The Romans, altruistic a they were, welcomed the fleeing Visigoths into their Empire, gave them the status of Foederati, and assigned them a nice piece of land in the Balkan region. We're talking 375 AD here."

On the blackboard appeared "VISIGOTHS IN BALKAN – 375".

"All well, if only that piece of land had indeed been a nice piece of land. But, to tell you the truth, it wasn't. It was infertile, crappy land and you can't really blame the Visigoths for not taking that crap. So… 410, and they went looking for bigger and better under the rule of Alaric I. He was a good leader, and soon his people were able to sack Rome. It wasn't the capital of the Empire anymore at that time, but still a major historic landmark, so you can tell the Romans did not take well to it. It was the first time in 800 years their city got sacked, but to tell you the truth, with those crappy defences it's a true miracle it didn't happen earlier."

On the blackboard appeared, below the first note, "VISIGOTHS SACK ROME – 410".

"The Romans understood now that these particular barbarians were not to be messed with, and in 418 they gave them Aquitania. This is like… the best bit of land you can get, a particularly nice and fertile part of what nowadays is called France, so that settled the dispute somewhat. Visigoths were not the only ones to move into the Roman Empire around that time though. Even before the Sack of Rome different other tribes, namely the Vandals, the Suebi, the Alemanni and the Burgundians had crossed the Rhine at Mainz. This was in 406."

Loki grinned.

"Now, this is where things get really confusing."

The menacing face of Atilla the Hun disappeared from the blackboard to make place for a large map of Europe. In a green flash Loki was folding a long stick with a crayon on the end, and he drew a large arrow from Asia all the way to present day France, to then make a turn, an unexpected loop, and a curl to end up at Rome.

"These are the Huns. Yeah, they got all the way to Rome, so if you're Asian looking you may have a Hun somewhere in your family tree."

More arrows followed this first one.

"Here we have the Allemanni and the Burgundians, they make themselves master of East Gallia. The Suebi and Vandals made their way to the Iberian Peninsula, that's here. They didn't last long though, because Aquitania was already too small for our friends the Visigoths, and they chased the Vandals from the peninsula. The Vandals then went to the North African coast and conquered the Roman provinces there. That was in 429."

Again a note in capital letters appeared on the blackboard: "VANDALS IN NORTH AFRICA – 429".

"Then, the Vandals –who are by the way called Vandals because they were very keen on destroying things- under the lead of King Genseric got the Foederati status for those provinces in 435, because the Romans had little choice, and they immediately went on to get more land. They got the Baleares, Corsica, Sardinia and Sicilia. Now comes the big news… They also sacked Rome. That was in 455."

On the blackboard appeared. "VANDALS SACK ROME – 455"

"They lasted a scarce 45 years without being plundered again. If anything's a testimony of the Roman Empire's deterioration, it's that."

Loki rolled his eyes dramatically and pointed at the arrow representing the Huns.

"You see this? You probably think, 'yeah, those Romans got sacked again"… But strangely enough, no such thing has happened. They say in 452 Pope Leo I The Great had a personal encounter with Atilla, and he sort of talked him out of plundering Rome. Never got to ask him if it were true, because only four years later he died while having sex. Heimdall told me that; it made me wonder what that asshole actually spends his time looking at all day."

Loki looked up for a moment, as if said Heimdall would come down to beat him up for that comment, but as no such thing happened he turned back to the class.

"Anyway, back to the point. Atilla is dead, and the Huns have no leader anymore, and they sort of have enough of the whole conquer-all-the-land business. Result: they go home, or they have themselves added to the Roman border protection. Again, paradoxical huh? By that time the whole Roman army consisted mostly of Germanics and Huns, and the Emperor had no real power anymore."

On the blackboard they can see now: "HUNS DON'T SACK ROME – 452" and "ATILLA DIES – 456".

"In 476 the emperor died, and the new emperor was but a child. The Germanic general Odoacer saw his chance, and he sort of grabbed the power. If you ask my opinion though, I think that six-year-old was happy enough to hand over the power and go back to his toys. Odoacer had no intentions of becoming emperor himself, so he sent the tokens of power kept in the capital all the way to the East part of the Empire. This was the formal end of the West Roman Empire."

A new note reads: "END OF THE WEST ROMAN EMPIRE – 476".

Loki sighed.

"That's about the most confusing batch of population movements. Now we're going to concentrate on a particular tribe in the area between the Rhine and the Somme. For the dumb ones among you, those are these two rivers."

Loki pointed the rivers out with his stick.

"This is the tribe of the Salian Franks. Their capital is the city of Tournai, and their kind was called Childeric I, son of Merovech. This guy had been a Roman governor back in the days, so they already had a hand in the power. His son Clovis is most important to us; this guy defeated the Roman governor Syagrius in 486, and chased the Visigoths from their beloved Aquitania. By the time he died in 511, he owned most of Gallia."

Another important date got added to the list, this time: "CLOVIS DIES – 511".

"We have been talking about the West Roman Empire mostly now, but as the power has been transferred to the East part, we'll have to focus on that more. The Ostrogoths no longer served as bedslaves to hairy Huns at that time, they were on the move as well now and looked to immigrate to the East Roman Empire. Not to the liking of the people there, who had seen what had happened to their West part thanks to immigrants…"

Loki grinned widely.

"King Zeno came up with this brilliant distraction manoeuver; he ordered the Ostrogoth king Theodoric to 'restore the Imperial Command in the West Roman Empire'. This came down to saying 'Go kick Odoacer's ass and then you can have the throne THERE, far away from our land'. It worked though, and Theodoric became the new leader there… of course, subordinate to the East Roman Emperor."

It appeared that Loki really started to enjoy teaching this class…

"In 526 Theodoric dies, and the Romans decided they have seen and heard enough of the Goths. The Senate asks Emperor Justinian I to 'free the country of the Arian Goths'. You see, the Goths were Christians, but not the same type of Christians as the Romans, and religion is always a good excuse to start a war. Our dear Emperor was happy enough to oblige, and he set out for glorious battle with his army. They beat the Vandals out of North Africa, took back Spain and the Mediterranean Islands, and kicked the ass of the last Ostrogoth king in 552. Now in Ravenna there no longer seated a barbarian king, but an Exarch from Constantinople. Again, for the dumb ones among you, that is situated here and it's the capital of the East Roman Empire."

The map became empty again, and immediately filled with new arrows pointing out the different battles fought by Justinian I, and his armies.

"Of course it's not over yet. There is one more tribe we haven't mentioned, namely the Lombards. They conquered large parts of Italy and gave their name to what is called Lombardy these days."

Loki clapped his hands.

"Now, we move from Italy to Britain!"

The map changed, zooming in on Great Britain.

"The Angles, the Frisians, the Jutes, the Danes and the Franks all decided that this particular island looked like a good place to start a new home, so they all set sail for Britain, chasing the indigenous Britons and Celts to the West of the island. I was there at the time, visiting a dear friend at the court of King Arthur. Think I even joined in a few battles…."

For a moment Loki looked in thought. Then he shook his head.

"Anyway, that's about it for The Great Migration Period. All this shit is relative in a way, because the tribes I named… well, not all of them had equally strong tribal identities, and the Romans were rather quick to paste names on people who had little to do with each other. Also there were a lot of temporary alliances among the barbarians, strength in numbers and all that, but those didn't mean the people involved actually united; after battle they mostly went their own way. Another thing to reckon with is that names for tribes that have been used throughout the history of the Roman Empire don't always refer to the same tribe. By example, the Frisians invading Britain are most likely not the same Frisians Tacit wrote about."

Loki let out a deep sigh.

"That's it class. You're dismissed, all but the mortal Cathy. Also, anyone who complains about me can expect to be turned into a frog."

The students left, until only Cathy remained. She looked at Loki and grinned.

"You make a pretty good teacher."

"I'm a god, petty mortal. I can be good at anything."

"Even karaoke?"

"What's that?"

"I could show you… but then you must dare to face my parents."

"I have no fear of mortals, mortal!"

"Hmm… Well, you can always come to my place and then we'll do a karaoke battle."

"If you think you can best me in any type of battle, you are sincerely mistaken little mortal… prepare to die."

"We shall see…"

**(Author's Notes)**

**Yeah... This is my way of learning history. I'm a notorious procrastinator, and I spend my time with writing Loki-themed fics instead of studying. This is my attempt at combining pleasure and pain in one... Hope you like it. It's odd probably, and has little storyline apart from the history lessons... but I still beg you to review.**

**REVIEW! Please... The reason I write fics so much is because I'm an attention whore and this attempt at not failing my exams will only succeed if people actually give me some attention. So PLEASE? **

***sad kitty eyes***


	2. Religious Business

Cathy came to class with a huge grin on her face, remembering the night before. It had been a night never to forget, if only for the look her parents had given Loki. It was their "You Can't Be Serious" look, and given Loki's rather eye-catching costume it was not very surprising… In her head she replayed the events.

"Hi mom, dad, I'm home!"

"Sweetie, me and your father are going out tonight so you'll be alo- Waah!"

"Oh… yeah. This is Loki."

"W-wha…"

Her mother stared dumbstruck at the horn-bearing man. Cathy grinned.

"He's an exchange student from… Err…" She poked Loki. "What was it? I always forget."

"Asgard."

Cathy's mother's eyes had widened a bit. Then, as she apparently had no knowledge of any mythology, she had nodded. Next thing she gave Loki a very long, questioning glance.

"And… err… what's up with the…"

She made a horn-shaped gesture above her head, clearly not knowing what to call Loki's headdress. Cathy immediately supplied an answer.

"Cosplay. Loki's into cosplaying."

"Oh you mean the whole bizarre-costumes-from-Japanese-TV-shows thing?"

Cathy nodded, and poked Loki to nod as well.

"Yeah. Totally."

Cathy's mother shrugged.

"I'm going to prepare. Tell Loki to watch out for the doorposts, his… costume… might get stuck in them."

With that the parental confrontation had ended. When Cathy's mother was out of hearing range, Loki sent Cathy a dark look.

"Don't ever touch me again. Ever."

He looked pretty menacing, so Cathy nodded quickly.

"Sure. You're a no-poke-zone from now on. Come on, let's do karaoke!"

Loki clearly had a different idea of what a Karaoke Battle entailed than Cathy.

"Good, mortal. Where are our weapons?"

Cathy grinned and threw Loki a microphone. He caught it and studied it with great interest.

"Only midgardians could invent such a completely useless weapon… What do you do with it, hit each other over the head with it?"

That was the point where Cathy couldn't hold her laugh any longer. Loki's eyes had glowed in anger.

"DON'T MOCK ME MORTAL!"

"I… Don't mock you…" Cathy had giggled. "It's just… the idea… of hitting each other with a mic… that made me laugh…"

Loki gave her an annoyed look and waited until her little laughing fit had passed.

"So, how does one employ this weapon, mortal?"

"Not by hitting each other with it. I think your helmet would be an unfair advantage anyway. Karaoke is more a battle of… skills… than a real fight…"

With that she had started her explanation. The more she explained, the more Loki seemed detested by the mic in his hands.

"I would rather hang myself by my intestines, mortal!"

"I thought gods were good at everything?"

Loki made a noise resembling a growl, gritted his teeth, and said.

"Fine."

A little later, he seemed to have discovered the fun in karaoke, mostly thanks to Gwen Stefani.

_"It's funny how I find myself in love with you… If I could buy my reasoning I'd pay to lose… One half won't do… I've asked myself; how much do you commit yourself?"_

_"It's my life… Don't you forget! It's my life… It never ends, it never ends…"_

Cathy regretted not having a camera at that moment. She had to admit; Loki was not the worst singer ever. But since she had years of practice on her karaoke machine and extensive knowledge of earth music, so despite his best efforts, Loki still lost. She had estimated him a sore loser, but he turned out to be rather sportive… she thought. Only when he requested a rematch for the hundredth time that evening, she realized he would continue to play until he won. They went on until they were both hoarse and exhausted…

**Early Medieval Age: Religious Business**

The opening of the class door pulled Cathy from her thoughts. Loki had entered, still in full costume. Some of the students were sitting on their desks, talking to each other, and Loki clearly didn't like that.

"Sit, mortals."

No one listened. It seemed the talkative few had forgotten who was giving this particular class. Suddenly a ferocious voice roared through the class.

"I SAID SIT!"

Immediately the culprits returned to their places, pale as a sheet. Loki looked annoyed.

"When I enter this class I want every one of you pathetic creatures sitting down, ready for class. I hate wasting time. If this type of insubordination occurs again I will be forced to change you all into neat piles of Bilgesnipe excrements."

The few he glared at swallowed visibly.

"Now. Today we're speaking of religion in the Early Medieval Age. Are you religious?"

He let his staff/stick/wand/thing hit one of the front benches. One of Cathy's classmates slicked and looked up at Loki.

"Err… No sir… I don't believe in god."

Loki looked mildly amused.

"Oh… So… You don't believe in me?"

"Err…"

"Because you see… I AM a god."

Loki's voice was deceptively calm, but Cathy felt something as coming. The boy answered hesitantly.

"But… you are not THE God, right?"

Loki rolled his eyes, pointed his staff at the boy and promptly changed him into a baboon. A shocked gasp went through the class… Then he just changed the boy back. Cathy feared he might faint. Loki grinned viciously.

"In this class, mortal… I am THE ONLY god you obey and worship. Understood?"

Automatically not just the boy, but also everyone else nodded. Loki seemed pleased with himself.

"Good. On with the lesson."

His staff changed back into the stick with the chalk crayon at the end, and he drew a cross on the blackboard.

"In the last period of the Roman Empire, this was the most important thing. Christianity. Like I have demonstrated, most religious people –and their gods- are not very into people who don't share their beliefs. Yet it seems in you mortals' nature to have different opinions, so by those last years I'm speaking of, there was already more than one interpretation of this."

He pointed again at the cross.

"The religion had to be determined solidly –another one of your mortal characteristics, you want rulebooks for everything- and this happened in countless debates, tractates and polemics. Those who screamed and fussed the loudest back then are now remembered as the Church Fathers."

He drew a rudimentary stick figure with a bishop's hat on the blackboard.

"The first one to mention is Ambrose, Bishop of Milan."

Under the stick figure appeared: "AMBROSE, BISHOP OF MILAN, 340-397".

"This guy was an atheist. Actually he was a Roman politician, and he hadn't even been baptized at the moment they decided he would have to become Bishop. In 8 days he got a quick Christianity-101, and then he was thrown into the warzone that the religion was at that point."

Loki grinned.

"Remember how Justinian the First kicked the ass of the Arian Goths and Vandals? Well, Arianism was the leading opposition for Orthodox Catholicism at this time. It was Ambrose who managed to have Arianism considered heresy."

Another stick figure, with a book in his hands, was drawn.

"Well, the next one on the list is Jerome, or Hieronymus. This one was actually religious, and pretty intellectual. I've known him though, and I can tell you… That man had the longest figurative toes one can imagine. So easily angered… Tsss…"

Jerome's stickman got an angry face, and around it appeared a few scribbled indicating frustrations.

"This man, who was pretty smart, made the first actual translation of the bible from Greek into Latin. This version came to be known as the Vulgate."

Under the stickman now stood: "JEROME, 345-420". A new stickman appeared next to Jerome, this time another one with a bishops' hat.

"And then there is who is recognized as the most important one, Augustine, Bishop of Hippo. This man has written quite a few tractates and texts, of which the best-known one is actually a disguised pep talk for the Romans who just got sacked by the Visigoths."

Loki giggled and explained.

"You see, back in those days people believed gods would protect them. Meaning, if your country, city or family was deteriorating it meant that your gods were either not protecting you anymore, or not powerful enough to be of help. The Romans believed that with Rome, Christianity would go down as well. Depressing, huh?"

He drew a sad looking stick figure in a toga next to Augustine, who patted the guy on the shoulder.

"Augustine wrote a book called _'De Civitate Dei'_, which means something like 'About The City Of God', in which he explained that the rise and fall of empires is not really connected to God. He said that the only city, the only empire that should be of importance to religious people is the community of the believers. The City of God is not a physical place, but a concept shaped by those who hold to the same ideas and worship the same god."

Loki saw that this particularly abstract concept wasn't getting to all his mortal pupils. He rolled his eyes and explained further.

"Look, you all worship me. Therefor, in the ideology of Augustine, you are The City of Loki. Even if you would be spread over the globe you still form The City of Loki together, simply because you share the same god. The Visigoths could sack Rome, the Empire could fall apart, but the City of God would remain, because it's not a place, it's a group of people."

Now, that was clear. Loki nodded approvingly when he saw everyone understood it now. Under the third stickman stood "AUGUSTINE OF HIPPO, 354-430"

"The last important guy we're seeing here is Pope Gregory I, nicknamed "The Great". He was less of a scholar than the other three, also dates from a later period, but he was a very, very clever politician. He made sure not to cross the Emperor, because the past had shown him that rarely ended well for the Pope involved, and instead he focused on the organization of the lands around Rome and in the south of Italy. He monopolized food production, the judiciary system, education, care of the ill and poor, even long distance trade! With that he made the foundations of what later would be the center of the Pope's power: The Papal States. He also made it his personal mission to save as many people from the fiery depths of hell as he possibly could, religious conversion and all that shit."

The last stick figure got a subscript stating: "POPE GREGORY I, 590-604". Loki clapped his hands.

"Those are the most important Church Fathers. We can say that most of them were smart politicians, but very spiritual? Not really. Now, onto a little more daily-life religion… In the fourth century the emperors were mingling in the religion a bit very much, no surprise when you realize most of the important figures were former Roman politicians, and the regular people were starting to lose faith a bit. Not faith in their beliefs, but faith in the leaders of the cult. This gave rise to a new phenomenon, that of the Desert Fathers."

The Church Fathers disappeared from the blackboard, and a single stickman with a hooded cape and a staff was drawn, together with a text bubble saying "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"The Desert Fathers left everything behind to live a life of asceticism and prayer, on their own in a shack in the desert, because they wanted to live out their beliefs as they deemed fit, without the emperor and his politicians mingling in it. Pretty drastic if you ask me, but successful, as more and more people wanted to do the same."

On the blackboard a whole crowd of people had now gathered around the desert father stickman, and they all yelled together "LEAVE US ALONE!".

"People wanted to live away from society, in a closed environment, where they could give their life to their religion. This was the beginning of Coenobitism, halfway the fourth century. Instead of living on their own, people grouped together as monks and lived in isolation under the lead of a Prior."

The whole group of people on the blackboard was now equipped with monk's robes.

"There were many people who wanted to live this life, so soon monasteries were being opened all over the place. There were also many different codes to live by, going from barely any sleep or food to a relatively luxurious life. The code, or Rule as it's called, that eventually won the battle was the Rule of Benedict of Nursia. This rule can be summarized as _"Ora Et Labora"_, which is Latin for "Pray And Work". It's a fairly reasonable way to live, not my style, but it's doable. If you're into the whole monk-business, that is."

Loki rolled his eyes with an expression that expressed exactly what he thought of people into that.

"Now, some final words on women's monasteries and double-monasteries, they existed, but they were rare. That's that. I'm done with this part. Get out, mortals; I don't want to see you anymore. Get. Out. Now."

Everyone hurried out… even Cathy, but right before she reached the door Loki sighed.

"The mortal Cathy has to stay."

When the door closed, Loki raised eyebrows at Cathy.

"I am bored, mortal. Entertain me."

Cathy looked uncertain at him.

"Err… You got to be a bit more specific I'm afraid."

"This Karaoke fight you introduced me to, it was amusing, to a certain degree. I am bored and I require amusement. Find me something."

Cathy thought for a moment. Then she asked.

"Ever had ice-cream?"

**(Author's Notes)**

**Again, history lesson by the hand of Loki. Please review, I'm doing this for my exam and your reviews are the only thing that keeps me writing (and thus studying)... Please? I'll be forever grateful... And give you cookies... **

**REVIEW!**

**(Or Loki will turn you into Bilgesnipe Excrements. Maybe. Probably.)**


	3. The Merovingian Dynasty

"What magic is in this dish?"

Loki asked Cathy, who had ordered him a huge bowl of ice cream. The bowl contained virtually every taste of ice cream available. The guy behind the counter had already drawn big eyes when Cathy had entered with Loki, and when she then had specified she wanted a bowl with Everything –yes, everything, you understood well- he had looked as if his eyes were ready to pop out of his face. Still, he had obliged, and now Cathy was observing a god eat the hugest ice cream ever in a stunning record time.

"It's not magic, it's ice cream."

Cathy specified with her most "DUH" voice. For a moment Loki appeared annoyed, but then he concentrated again on the two pound frozen goodness in front of him. Still he grumbled.

"You mortals must have had a magic aid, it is impossible that…"

"Don't hate on us, we have our own kind of magic." Cathy grinned. "It's called intelligence."

If there hadn't been a large bowl of ice between herself and the god she would never have dared to say that, but now Loki was too distracted to change her into a pile of poop… When the bowl was empty at last, Loki said.

"Fine, Mortal. You have supplied me with enough amusement for today."

"I don't understand how you don't have an indigestion. That was more ice cream than anyone should eat, ever."

"I'm a god. I do what I want. Regardless of laws of nature."

"So… Can you fly?"

Loki raised an eyebrow and promptly floated a little above the ground. Cathy wanted to face-palm.

"Fine. I believe you."

**Early Medieval Age: The Merovingian Dynasty**

The third day in class everyone was already seated before Loki entered. They hadn't forgotten about the baboon-incident, and the threat of being changed into heaps of poop was still fresh in their memory. The god threw the door open and barged in, not paying attention to the doorpost. A loud "CRACK" resounded, and they could all see how the doorpost had gained two horn-shaped holes. Loki ignored the little defect and simply turned to the class, playing with his stick/wand/thing. Cathy realized she really had to ask him what it was called.

"Good day mortals. Today we're talking about the Merovingian Dynasty. Does anyone know what that is?"

No one raised a hand.

"Of course not. You should, however. We discussed them in the first lesson. Rings a bell?"

Still no one raised a hand.

"I won't change you into anything if you try to answer the question."

Immediately a few hands went up. Loki pointed at a girl.

"Yes?"

"They were a dynasty of the Franks, their instigator was called Merovech, hence the name."

Loki nodded.

"Correct, Mortal. What is your name?"

"Christine, Sir."

"Well done, Christine. At least one of you mortals pays attention here."

Then he promptly changed the boy of last time into a baboon and back. With an apologizing smile he said.

"I promised not to change you into anything, Christine. Never said my promise extended to the rest of the class."

A collective shiver went through the class. Loki grinned and went on.

"Christine was correct, the Merovingian Dynasty indeed is one of the Franks. Now you can ask, why the Franks? Why not any of those other tribes we discussed? They may seem all the same, but there were some very important characteristics that made the Franks special."

The magical wand-thing changed into a long wooden stick again, and Loki pointed at the blackboard, where a map appeared.

"The Franks never really moved. They conquered, yes, but they kept control of their native grounds between the Rhine and the Somme. This gave them a base of power where they formed the majority of the population, a solid foundation for further conquests. This is in opposite to the other tribes we discussed, the Goths, Lombards, and Vandals who formed barely five per cent of the population in the lands they controlled."

On the blackboard, the native grounds of the Franks were colored red, and an arrow clearly stated: "1) BASE OF POWER".

"Then, other than the other tribes, the Franks managed to get rid of Latin in favor of their own language. You may not believe it, but language is a very powerful thing when it comes to binding a nation. People who spoke the Frankish language felt more Frank than Roman, or whatever other country or tribe they belonged to before. This makes for a certain loyalty among the population."

On the blackboard, another statement appeared: "2) OWN LANGUAGE".

"That they got rid of Latin doesn't mean the Franks didn't know the value of Roman culture however. They didn't just conquer Roman grounds; they also went for the areas that hadn't been part of the Roman Empire, like Thüringen and Bayern. In these areas they weren't the barbarian invaders, but the bringers of a high-standard culture, which made the people there a lot less reluctant to accept their new leaders."

A new statement appeared, among with a new coloration of the map: "3) BRINGERS OF ROMAN CULTURE".

"Now, last lesson we talked about Christianity, and I think I did mention how many Germanic tribes were Arian Christians, or Pagans. You are pagans too, by the way. Just mentioning. Now, when those tribes conquered formerly Roman lands, they found resistance from the religious side: most roman people were Catholic, and they couldn't connect to their new leaders due to differences in religion. Well, the most memorable descendant of the Merovingian Dynasty, Clovis, son of Childeric, made a bold move there. He, and with him all his people, converted to Catholicism in 496."

On the blackboard, a new important date and statement was put in place: "4) CLOVIS CONVERTS TO CATHOLISCISM, 496".

"This conversion made it possible for the two populations to approach each other, and soon the important families of both Germanic and Gallo-Roman side melted together to form one aristocracy. So far, all good…"

Loki grinned.

"However, it may be called a miracle that the Frankish Empire didn't disappear under the Merovingian rule. You see, they had this silly arrangement concerning the hereditariness of their throne."

Loki erased the map, and drew a circle.

"This is the land."

Then he drew a stickman with a crown.

"This is the king."

And then he drew four other stickmen, with smaller crowns.

"These are the king's sons."

Loki smiled melancholically.

"The Merovingians had the habit to divide their grounds and give equal parts to all their sons. When Clovis died in 511, each of his four sons received a quarter."

The circle was divided in four parts, and under each of the prince-stickmen one part appeared.

"You can see where this could go wrong. Luckily Clovis' sons had a pretty good relationship, and they managed to rule each their own ground in relative harmony. They even enlarged the kingdom. When the other three died of natural causes, Clothar I ruled over the whole kingdom once more."

Three of the stickmen fell down, and their land-quarters formed a new circle under the only prince left standing.

"Of course it couldn't stay like this. Clothar I got himself four sons as well, and those were not on great terms. The kingdom was divided in four parts again…"

The drawing repeated itself, with the four sons and the land that was being divided…

"There was Neustria, the old native ground of the franks, Austrasia, which was the lang Clovis had won from Syagrius, Aquitania, which we know from the Visigoths, and Burgundy. The brothers were fighting all the time, not unlike Thor and me. I imagine if Odin would split Asgard we would be like this too."

On the blackboard a dust cloud had been drawn, with here and there a hand or crown sticking out, showing a fight.

"If you mortals had lived in this age, you wouldn't have needed these things you call "soap series"… Marriage trouble, murdered spouses, poison, jealousy… These guys made enough drama to be worthy of their own reality show! I remember Heimdall used to entertain us with stories of their nonsensical behavior…"

That caused a bit of chuckling in the class.

"The last king to rule this whole area was Dagobert. He ruled a scarce ten years, from 629 to 639. After him, the land split. Aquitania went it's own way and Burgundy fell apart… you see the eastern parts of the land won back their autonomy. In the remaining areas, Austrasia and Neustria, the kings lost their power as well… but not to the people. The function of king became mostly ceremonial, as the real power belonged to the so-called Mayor of the Palace. Those guys commanded the army, and they were usually more loved with the people than the actual king."

Loki swirled his staff around and grinned.

"A new dynasty was being formed! The Mayor of the Palace of Austrasia under Dagobert I was Pepin I of Landen. He is considered the instigator of the Pippinid Dynasty. His grandson Pepin II of Herstal was the first to be Mayor of the Palace of both parts of the land, and he also was the one to get rid of the old Merovingian rulers, and call himself 'King of the Franks'."

The blackboard showed a short list of names: "PEPIN I OF LANDEN", then an arrow, and then "PEPIN II OF HERSTAL".

"Pepin II was the one who conquered more land for the Frankish empire and finally tried to restore it to its old glory, but the true conqueror here is his illegitimate son Charles Martel. Charles didn't have an easy life; most illegitimate children don't. Yet despite that he managed to become very successful. I have known him, and I must say I have rarely met such a cunning mortal as him. Thanks to tricks and ruses he managed to defeat more than one enemy, this including his father's evil wife Plectrudis. Seriously evil woman, I can tell you that."

Loki pulled a face that clearly expressed his disgust for this Plectrudis.

"Charles gave his name to a new dynasty, that of the Carolingians. He built up a professional army –which was a relatively new concept in those days- and financed it by disowning the church. On the long term that was probably one of his less well-devised plans, but it did give him a loyal, strong and well-trained group of warriors. This played a decisive role in the Battle of Tours in 732."

The map reappeared, and Loki pointed out both the city of Tours and the city of Poitiers.

"It was closer to Poitiers than to Tours, but because you mortals apparently loved to fight in this area, we call this particular fight 'The Battle of Tours' and another one in the same location 'The Battle of Poitiers'. Charles Martel successfully fought the Muslims here, who were on quite the conquering-spree at the time. They had already conquered the Arabian Peninsula, and in 711 an army led by a certain Tarik had crossed the Street of Gibraltar and crushed the Visigoths on the Iberian Peninsula. They went on for the rest of Europe from there, but thanks to Charles Martel and his paid-with-stolen-church-silver army the party ended there."

Loki was very expressive in the way he described the movements and battles, and if anyone still doubted he had actually known Charles Martel personally, the way he described the man definitely erased that.

"Charles Martel was called after the French word for "Hammer", because he apparently not only wielded a war hammer, but also "crushed" the Muslims with a figurative one. If only Thor had taken an example from him…"

Loki rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Charles' son Pepin III The Short continued his father's efforts to get rid of the Muslims, and he pushed them back to the Pyrenees. He did have to make an agreement with the Church, because those guys were slowly getting enough of being disowned and having their land and possessions being used to pay a bunch of fight-eager soldiers. In 744 Pepin III made a compromise with them, in which the soldiers got the usufruct of the land, but not its possession, and they would have to pay taxes on the usufruct to the Church."

The blackboard map was now full of arrows, but on the side the list of names got filled in with "CHARLES MARTEL", an arrow, and then "PEPIN III THE SHORT". Loki sighed and erased the map.

"That's about it for the Franks. They were not the only ones who got to deal with division of power and the likes though. In England there were divisions too, which eventually made for the origins of seven different kingdoms, namely North Umbria, Mercia, East Anglia, Wessex, Essex, Sussex and Kent. The bonds with the Frankish empire were strong here, mostly through marriage politics. Then in Italy we still had a Lombard king, but he had little power and the real ruling as done mostly by about twenty dukes."

As soon as everyone had written that down, Loki pointed at the door.

"Out, mortals." Then he added. "All but Cathy."

Everyone made his way to the door as soon as possible… All but Cathy… and the baboon-boy. Loki looked frowning at the young boy in front of his desk.

"Did you misunderstand me, mortal?"

"I have a question, Mr. Loki."

"Then ask it and don't waste my time."

"I just want to know why you change me into a baboon every time again. Do you have something against me?"

"Have something against you? That's ridiculous mortal. I don't even know your name, how could I have something against you?"

"If it helps, it's Peter. Could you please not transform me into anything again? It's very uncomfortable."

Loki looked up.

"Well… Peter… if it helps, the discomfort disappears after a while."

"But why a baboon? Do I look like a baboon? My girlfriend says I look like a baboon now, you know."

"Genetically you look like a baboon more than most things, so it's a logical choice."

"I don't like it. Could you… keep the transforming for when I actually do something wrong?"

Loki thought about that.

"Fine. I will not transform you into anything unless you do something to anger me."

"Thank you, Mr. Loki."

"Now get out."

Peter sort of ran to the door, eager to be far away from Loki as fast as possible. Loki then pointed his attention on Cathy.

"How are my classes?"

"You ask me?"

"Yes. You are the one who decides how well my quest is going, unfortunately. I am not any happier than you are with this arrangement."

Cathy smiled.

"You're doing great. I have never had history classes quite this interesting and amusing."

"Good. But your course book is awfully thick… if it goes on like this I'll be stuck here for a year!"

"That's the idea, I think…"

"I hate Heimdall so bad…"

"Have you always hated him?"

"Not always… I guess…He could be quite entertaining. But this…"

"You should just stay away from girls who have strong and protective brothers, it's the same here on earth…"

"That does nothing for my mood, mortal."

"So… what do you want me to do then?"

"Cheer me up. I don't know. Do something!"

"What did you do in… on… what was it again?"

"Asgard."

"Yeah. What did you do there?"

"Fight. Practice spells for fighting. Fight more."

Cathy cocked her head to the side.

"Seriously? That sounds like an awfully boring way to pass the time."

Loki looked up and grinned slightly melancholically.

"Why do you think I like tricks and pranks so much?"

Cathy shook her head.

"It's about time you learn the joys of cooking."

"Cooking is for maidens, mortal."

"We're emancipated here, Loki. Not to mention... cupcakes are for everyone."

**(Author's Notes)**

**My exam is in a few days, and I still have an awful lot to study... I remind you guys that the more you review, the more motivated I am to study. Please review! This is my only way of fighting procrastination, please, please PLEASE support it with your reviews! **

**I love all my reviewers... The Inner Titan, MK123, Cloud of Thought, Nuala Gale, TheOnlyOneEv, Frequent Flier and CatchMeIfYouCan, COOKIES FOR YOU! Please keep reviewing, it's the only thing that keeps me bound to my books... **


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